Allison Holker is reflecting on navigating life with her family after their insurmountable loss.
Four months after the death of her husband Stephen "tWitch" Boss, the choreographer is opening up about the gut-wrenching conversations she's had with the couple's three children: Weslie, 14, Maddox, 7, and Zaia, 3.
"To us, Daddy's in the stars," she told Today's Hoda Kotb during a May 3 interview. "So, we can go outside and talk to him whenever we want...They just ask, ‘When is daddy coming back?' and that's a really hard one."
It's a heartbreaking question that Allison, 35, explained has been asked repeatedly as time goes on.
"And then it'll be a couple weeks later, ‘But does he come back when he's older? Like, when Daddy's older he'll come back?'" she continued. "But they are still children and still obviously want him here."
In December, tWitch died by suicide at the age of 40. And as Allison shared, their family's grieving process has been an emotional time.
"It's honestly something I wouldn't wish for anybody," she said through tears. "It's really hard. But if I've learned anything, it's that communication is key."
Allison also reflected on the last moments spent with her husband, wondering if there was something that she may have missed. She noted, "I eventually had to tell myself, I can't change anything that's happened."
As she moves forward, the professional dancer will always be thankful for the life she built with tWitch.
"The way we loved was so big," she said of the DJ and co-executive producer of Ellen DeGeneres' former talk show.. "I got 13 years with one of the most magical humans and I learned so much about love and gratitude."
And as Allison shared, their line of communication will forever remain open.
"Sometimes it's just like, ‘I took the kids to school,' other times it's a little bit deeper, little more heavy," she shared of conversations with her husband since his passing. "I don't allow myself to be in a place of anger or sadness, though I allow myself to feel it. I'm feeling this much pain because I've had so much love."
(E! and Today are part of the NBCUniversal family.)
If you or someone you know needs help, call 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also call the network, previously known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 800-273-8255, text HOME to 741741 or visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional resources.
